Imad Siddiqui Presents: The First Annual SQUID Film Rankings

Welcome to the inaugural SQUID (Siddiqui Quality Unquestionably Imad's Decision) Rankings. One individual recognizing excellence in cinema while remaining slightly noncommittal and intensely superficial. The SQUID award is inspired by the quite gross, Humboldt Squid.  The statuette is pure platic and three inches tall, spray-painted neon green and bedazzled with unpolished diamonds to represent the filthy nature of humanity's creative spirit. A representative of the top film is allegedly given the award in an imaginary, untelevised ceremony.

The 2014 calender produced a most expansive selection of films ranging across all genres, from biopics to scifi, from action-comedy to scifi-action-comedy (or Scifactiedy). That may not distinguish a single year from any other, but what was special about 2014 was the alarmingly consistent, impressively high level of movies that it birthed onto our screens. Films of the highest caliber debuted in a year of instant classics and exhilarating thrills. A year that saw a return to originality and a welcomed trend towards strong-willed and well-rounded female characters. A year that has been an absolute pleasure to have sat back and watched.

We begin with a simple ranking, accompanied in parentheses by the respective MVPs of the films. Be advised, this is a list composed out of films seen by me, a humble watcher of movies. I am not a licensed critic (that's a thing right?) or part of any association. Under consideration are films released in the past 12 months, obviously. Reading it means you have read it. If you tell me your filthy opinion of this list in person in the comments below, I will reward you with chocolate.* Also, no, Keanu Reeves did not pay me.

26. Bad Words (The Scream)
Rottantomatoes Score: 65% IMDb: 6.7

25. Godzilla (Bryan Cranston)
Rt: 74% IMDb: 6.6

24. Noah ()
Rt: 77% IMDB: 5.9 

23. The Guest (Dan Stevens)
Rt: 90% IMDB: 6.7

22. How to Train Your Dragon 2 (Final Battle)
Rt: 92% IMDB: 8.0

21. The Skeleton Twins (lip sync duet)
Rt: 87% IMDB: 7.0

20. Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (Tank takeover)
Rt: 90% IMDB: 7.8

19. X-Men Days of Future Past (Quicksilver)
Rt: 91% IMDB: 8.1

18. Calvary (Two Gleesons)

Rt: 89% IMDb: 7.5
17. The Raid 2 (Final 3 fights)
Rt: 79% IMDB: 8.1

16. The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies (Wizards and Elves vs. Shadows of The Nine)
Rt: 60% IMDb: 7.9

15. Birdman (The beautiful drumming)
Rt: 92% IMDb: 8.7

14. Into the Woods (Agony)
Rt: 72% IMDb: 7.2

13. Gone Girl (NPH's house)
Rt: 88% IMDb: 8.2

12. A Walk Among the Tombstones (Dan Stevens)
Rt: 68% IMDb: 6.6

11. Captain America: The Winter Soldier (Knives)
Rt: 89%  IMDb: 7.8

10. Guardians of the Galaxy (Awesome Mix Vol. 1)
Rt: 90% IMDb: 8.3

9. Snowpiercer (Grey)
Rt: 95% IMDb: 7

8. Begin Again (James Cordon)
Rt: 83% IMDb: 7.5

7. 22 Jump Street (The End Credits)
Rt: 84% IMDb: 7.2

6. The Grand Budapest Hotel (The Symmetry)
Rt: 92% IMDb: 8.2

5. Live, Die, Repeat: The Edge of Tomorrow (The Full Metal B****)
Rt: 90% IMDb: 8

4. The Lego Movie (Everything is Awesome)
Rt: 96% IMDb: 7.9

3. The Imitation Game (Benedict Cumberbatch, Mark Strong, and Keira Knightley)
Rt: 89% IMDb: 8.3

2. Interstellar (TARS)
Rt: 72% IMDb: 8.9

1. John Wick ("Oh")
Rt: 85% IMDb: 7.7

And now a smattering of specific recognitions.

Performances of Note

-Lead 

Benedict Cumberbatch - The Imitation Game
Jake Gyllenhaal - Nightcrawler
Michael Keaton - Birdman

Rosamund Pike - Gone Girl

Keira Knightley - Begin Again

Brandan Gleeson - Calvary

Andy Serkis - Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

-Supporting
Keira Knightley - The Imitation Game
James Cordon - Into the Woods
Jillian Bell - 22 Jump Street
Karen Gillian - Guardians of the Galaxy
Jason Clarke - Dawn of the Planet of the Apes
Toby Kebbell - Dawn of the Planet of the Apes
Dan Stevens - A Walk Among the Tombstones

Golden Humboldt for Excellence in Ruthlessness 

John Wick. (Hero) John Wick

Lord Business (Villain) Lego Movie

Golden Humboldt for Direction 
Phil Lord and Chris Miller
for The Lego Movie and 22 Jump Street

Best Use of Overhead Shot
Gone Girl - That one scene. 

Crimson Humboldt for Best Kill
The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies - Thranduil beheading six orcs. 

The Humboldt for Outstanding Overuse of Slow Motion
X-Men: Days of Future Past - Quicksilver in the Kitchen


Tracking Shots of the Year
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes - (Rotating Tank) 
All of Birdman. 

Vertigo Shot of the Year
Need for Speed - (Aaron Paul zoning in) 

Headless Humboldt for Most Violent Film
The Raid 2

The End. Thank you for reading and, hopefully uniformly agreeing with everything you just read.

In the coming days the awards for Actor and Actress of the Year will be presented to the actor and actress who are in multiple roles while also bringing to life exceptional characters throughout the year. To artificially manufacture a sense of prestige, here is recap of the previous years' unannounced honorees:

SQUID Actor of the Year Winners
2013 winner - Benedict Cumberbatch 
12 Years A Slave, Star Trek into Darkness, The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, August: Osage County, The Fifth Estate, The Simpsons

2012 winner - Joseph Gordon Levitt
Premium Rush, Looper, Lincoln, The Dark Knight Rises

2011 winner - Michael Fassbender 
Jane Eyre, X-Men: First Class, Shame, Haywire, A Dangerous Method

SQUID Actress of the Year
2013 winner - Amy Adams
American Hustle, Man of Steel, Her

2012 winner -  Anne Hathaway and Jennifer Lawrence
Hathaway - Les Miserable and The Dark Night Rises
Lawrence - Silver Linings Playbook and The Hunger Games

2011 winner - Emily Blunt
Your Sister's Sister, Salmon Fishing in the Yemen, The Adjustment Bureau, Gnomeo and Juliet, The Muppets


*Chocolate must be demanded in person. 

Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb (2014)

Directed by Shawn Levy (Big Fat Liar)
Written by David Guion and Michael Handelman (Dinner for Schmucks)
Starring:
Ben Stiller (Tropic Thunder)
Robin Williams (Good Will Hunting)
Owen Wilson (Midnight in Paris)
Rebel Wilson (Pitch Perfect)
Rami Malek (Night at the Museum)
Dan Stevens (Downton Abbey)
Steve Coogan (Hamlet 2)
Ricky Gervais (Stardust)
Ben Kingsley (Hugo)

If modest entertainment is your thing, Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb will modestly entertain the crap out of you. This light-hearted, muchkin friendly romp is up to par with the previous entries in this impromptu froth bucket of a franchise and has a Rottentomatoes score that is slightly higher. (Both previous entries clocked in at 44% while SOTT sits smugly at 49%.) It really feels like these three movies just kinda happened and nobody knows why. Shawn Levy probably walks in during important executive meetings at the studio, cotton candy sticking out of his mouth, and gets the execs to agree like a kid asking their parent for the largest pack of candy in a grocery store while the parent talks to the clerk about returning their incorrectly flavored ice cream. What's that? You wanted butter pecan? BAM three Night at the Museum flicks.

Going against the threequel is how thoroughly disappointing the titular secret is. I mean, it is intensely disappointing. Like thinking someone had a hideous Tim Duncan style tattoo on their back when in fact they just have a deep affinity for black tank tops. Or like finding out that Bruce Willis wasn't dead the whole time. (Imagine if that had actually been how Sixth Sense ended. So disappointing, yeah but, also more in line with the Shyamalan of today.) The entire plot of Secret of the Tomb could literally have been solved in five minutes and the central problem could have accidentally been fixed at any time. The teenager is obnoxious and unbearable. The villain is hardly enjoyable yet still Dan Stevens so no fault there. Missing was the love interest set up in the previous film but Amy Adams probably was extremely busy making a ton of stuff as usual. The film is, in all its lumpiness and Stillerisms just as good as the rest of the franchise.

Going for it is the action. The fight scenes are kinetic and creative while maintaining that PG air. There's one scene in a painting that is particularly flashy. The casting is also as terrific as ever. All Star, even, and they all deliver. Robin Williams is excellent, as is Rebel Wilson.

The film also earns respect by making some solid call backs to the first two films. It's nothing comprehensive but there is enough sentimentality to deserve a nod of approval. A slight tip o' the cap to days of yore.

Bottom Line: It'll appeal to the National Treasure crowd. It just so happens that I belong to that crowd.

7 out of 10

The Skeleton Twins (2014)

Written and Directed by Craig Johnson
Also written by Mark Heyman 
Starring:
Bill Hader (Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs)
Kristen Wiig (Bridesmaids)
Owen Wilson (Idiocracy)
Boyd Holbrook (...The Host)
Ty Burrell (The Incredible Hulk)

A showcase of imperfect people behaving imperfectly. A story conveying how family can be the cause of all the turmoil in your life yet lift you up when you need it most. Showing that humor and happiness comes from finding your best self and knowing who brings it out. While the revelations can get a bit fatiguing, the pacing allows you to make the best of it.

Thanks in large part to the well spotlit chemistry of Wiig and Hader, The Skeleton Twins is loaded with moments of heartfelt fart-laced, novocaine driven comedy that help you cope with the darkness that lies in all of us, even if there seems to be a bit of excess darkness here. All these complex feelings inspired by this little film shows just how much talent that SNL cast had all at once. The lip-syncing scene is truly the highlight of the movie.

This honest and simple story makes you care about these people who are obviously flawed and dealing with the pressures of two very different lives. One, a wife on the verge of collapse and the her brother, a suicidal failing actor. They've not spoken in ten years which sets up this cathartic intertwining of their crumbling lives.

It's is a good film, not perfect (I couldn't help but roll my eyes during the entire mom scene) but it is, as the unlikely stars have classified it on many occasions, quite a serious one that manages to accomplish much. And the pair do indeed perform admirable. Possibly more than they even understood. although, knowing how talented the duo is, they probably are fully aware of just how incredible they were. It was a chance to show the rest of the world (because, of course, I already could tell) that they are more than simply Stefon and Gilly. They were able to display all these gutting exchanges and heartfelt scenes and hold their own when the story brought the world down upon them.

Craig Johnson's story also allows the two leads to demonstrate their comedic prowess, albeit in a controlled manner, their characters are shown to be good for each other. The moments when Skeleton Twins is soaring are when Hader and Wiig are feeding into each other, when the siblings are made to interact, for better or worse.

Johnson's endearing tale of two estranged siblings expertly covers many vital life lessons we could all learn to use. Showing up when you are most needed. Who needs you? Affairs deserve consequences. The idea that we don't always tell ourselves the truth. That we make the choice that feels good vs. the one we know is right. All heavy concepts and all explored with dignity and care.

The finale is one of the most therapeutic conclusions a film could have. That we can't see our own broken behavior while we are doing it. Sometimes we need someone to stop us.

Bottom Line: Somewhat depressing but in the end, we all need more Hader and Wiig in our lives.

9 out of 10. 

The Imitation Game (2014)

Directed by Morten Tyldum (Headhunters)
Written by Graham Moore 
Starring:
Benedict Cumberbatch (Sherlock)
Keira Knightly (Bend It Like Beckham)
Mark Strong (Stardust)
Charles Dance (Game of Thrones)
Matthew Goode (Watchmen)
Allen Leech (Primeval)
Rory Kinnear (Skyfall)
Tuppence Middleton (Trance)

BE ADVISED: The following contains intense gushing praise. 

When The Imitation Game is at full power, your emotions belong to this movie. It takes you completely with its Britishness. Holds you by the face, clutches your cheeks and injects a cold, swirling sense of life into the core of your mind. By the end, The film opens your eyes to a truer history and you walk out to a broken world. Not bad for a biopic. Especially noteworthy is how three timelines all tell one vastly necessary story and each feeds into one another to build a masterpiece. 

Like any masterpiece, this film operates as more than just a drama. It's a war movie, its a biography, its a revisiting to the still relevant horrid hatred of homosexuality. Yes, its about all those serious things, but they can be depressing and bitter when not mixed and treated with a little sugar. The humor and confidence boasted by the cast throughout the film is brilliantly handled, and vitally so. We are never unaware of the perils surrounding Alan Turing and his crew of World War II Enigma code breakers but we are given the positivity to emotionally survive the ordeal through sharp wit and renegadian dialogue. The delivery of those lines make me feel cool just thinking about them. For instance, literally every word out of Mark Strong' s Col. Maj. Stewart Menzies will get a woman pregnant. 

The pinnacle scene where they fracture the enigma is gorgeously handled. A burst of realization sparking in Turing's eye performed like nothing else in the universe mattered, a moment of such euphoric eureka that we, as the audience are enthralled beyond all reason. 

Speaking further to all of the above, Tyldum, in his English language directorial debut, maximizes every bit of tension, humor, and love out of his film. There is even a sense of muted style to the camera work. People are often positioned off center, intentionally keeping your eyes active. Tyldum takes the top screenplay of the 2011 blacklist, and former DeCaprio starring vehicle to wonderful heights. Paired with Cumberbatch, Tyldum honors Turing's memory justly. 

Romance is also capably handled as the it never becomes annoying. The movie sweetly portrays friendship and trust. Showing that we can be more by looking towards others. Knowing that we all need help. The major scene between Knightley and Cumberbatch (Lets go a ahead and add his name to the old Portable Turing Machine's dictionary) that lays their relationship out in the open is as good as it gets. The actors, the score, the direction, the momentum of the entire story, it all swirls into a perfect storm powerful enough to engulf every ounce of attention you have. In that moment I had to break away and look around. I had to see the faces in the crown that were gone, completely absorbed by the screen. Prisoners of the moment in a jail so finely constructed only those whoare waiting for the tide to pass over them can escape. Everyone else belongs to that scene. Belongs to the movie. 

Their relationship is also beautifully summed up by the most important adage of the film:

 "Sometimes it is the people who no one imagines anything of who do the things that no one can imagine."

I think I instantly became a better person the moment after hearing that line. Thankfully it was repeated so that I may more easily remember it. 

Aside from the two leads (albeit one far leadier than the other), this movie benefits from having a supremely talented supporting cast who are allowed to fully flesh out their deeply human roles. Charles Dance is superbly capable and prickly as the Lanniseresque Commander Denniston. Matthew Goode, Allen Leech, and the rest of the code breakers are also immensely effective in their work. Rory Kinnear helps bring meaning to the scenes set in the 50s. Tuppence Middleton also quite nicely maximized her screen time and made her otherwise cliched character be more than it could potentially have been. And lest we forget, the childhood scenes are handled so somberly by Alex Lawther. (Although, I am a bit sad about a lack of Tom Hiddleston who could easily slip in for Matthew Goode. The dream of having him, Cumberbatch, and Strong on screen together must wait. This movie instead joins the ranks of War Horse as another trifecta close call.)

No movie can reach the upper echelon of cinema without a penetrating score. Zimmer's Interstellar set the bar this year and here Alexandre Desplat(Argo) rise to match him. Desplat, who apparently had only three weeks at his disposal, does a philomenal job (Anyone catch that? Philomena...no?) The piano tune is immaculately simple yet profoundly immersive,  Listening to it feels like you're swimming in a field of snow. 

And finally we get to Benedict himself. The absolute, unquestioningly best part of this movie is his performance. He controls the movie from the very first second. His voice....what more can be said. It is a force of nature. A monsoon of deepness that loosens all joints in your body. He is on the list of people that I would like to be yelled at by, right next to Michael Fassbender and Judi Dench. Cumberbatch shows shades of Sherlock here as well with his superb ability to portray characters whose minds are on a different plane of existence. Already the reigning Actor of the Year for 2013, Imitation Game marks him firmly in contention for a repeat win. 

As for the bad stuff...I wish the two adorable elderly ladies to the left of me would've had fewer conversations. God, I love free screening. But seriously, there is severe difficulty in finding any fault here. Scouring the negative reviews of this film leads you to see that the only bad thing is that it is a biopic and some people have watched too many to allow another good biopic to exist. Sadly, I am still in the shallow end of that pool so these eyes have yet to be jaded. Although this did elicit a similar response to watching A Beautiful Mind for the first time, which is yet another positive accolade to bestow on this movie. 

To steal a word from Selina Meyer, this is a robust year for movies. How many times can a film buff allow his top spot to be toppled? We may be looking at the unholy unordered top ten by year's end. You're up Peter Jackson. Good call in having Cumberbatch play two roles in one movie.  

Bottom Line. Stunning performance. Stunning Film. 

10 out of 10. 

Top Five (2014)

Written, Directed by and Starring Chris Rock (Down to Earth)
Also Starring:
Rosario Dawson (Men in Black II)
Gabrielle Union (Bring It On)
JB Smoove (Pooty Tang)
Cedric The Entertainer (Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events)
DMX (Romeo Must Die)
Kevin Hart (This Is the End)
Romany Malco (40 Year Old Virgin)
Anders Holm (Workaholics)
NOT Tim Meadows

Despite the absurd mustache Chris Rock is , this is one charming, slightly offensive, romantic film.

While casual swearing in films is often used as a crutch, the dialogue Rock gives his characters is so natural, brash, and creatively abusive of standard politeness that it can't help but be amusing. There are many jabs directed towards Tyler Perry, and Rock, thankfully seems to have gone more in the direction of Judd Apatow. This isn't as racially divisive a film as it's marketing suggests. (Although perhaps that was mostly because at my screening, an unexpected take over by an R&B station may have skewed that sensibility- To the oblivious lady in the yellow jacket and the deep soulful voice of that crazy haired walrus, I would like to say that my life will now have as much Tom Joyner now as it did when he was aired on your station.)

The central theme is quite simple, Top Five takes the realities of fame and gives them a relatable focus. Letting us, those who are not dodging eyes everywhere we go, get a taste of celebrity. The message to take away through all the jokes and all of the semi-autobiographical detail is that we need to strive to make the hard choices but know that sometimes we over think things. That we should do what makes us happy in the simplest way.

The year of originality continues with this quaint, often funny, original film. A small story told with characters that are practically real and filled with humor that reminds you of how funny Chris Rock truly is. He puts out a story that has personal touches and a sense of reality that his recent works with Sandler have lacked. A call back to greater days of Pootie Tang and Down to Earth.

There is some gross stuff here but it's balanced quite nicely with silliness. The comedy comes by way of honesty making it kind of refreshing. We are taken through a trying time with the character, that kind of crisis that we assume all celebrities might be going through at some point. I was particularly reminded of Steve Carell and Dave Chappelle (rhyme not intended but happily accepted). People who fear having to be funny all the time and at such a high level. (Not that Hammy the Bear is top notch entertainment) The film's focus on the imminent wedding and the tidy schedule filled with expected stops and scenarios lend themselves to spontaneous hilarity.

The drawback is when the film decides it wants to be a romantic comedy. There are shifts towards the cliched flirtations but eventually the sentimentality redeems itself though the humor. Another minus is that we, again, are given the illusion of strong women who, in the end, are yet again nothing without a man in their lives. There was such hope for Dawson's stealthy journalist character too before she became an apologetic, love struck fan.

To make up for that folly, Rock knowingly takes control of the way the background characters reacted. People loved Hammy The Bear. People wanted to love Andre Allen. That helps us, as a film audience, be able to side with this guy and buy that he deserves his fame.

Repetition is used throughout this movie and to great effect. Jokes of the moment and common phrases like the titular Top Five, or "rigorous honesty," that lingered throughout either scenes or the whole movie help hold together what could otherwise have been just another outlet for raunchy jokes.

This movie has more cameos shoved in than words in a Gavin DeGraw chorus. And like said chorus, they work so good. DMX was beautiful. I want to marry DMX's cameo. Adam Sandler and Jerry Seinfeld would seem like odd fits (not to mention Whoopi) but they were understated enough to stand out in a way that reminds you that they too are truly funny people and not just overfamous has-beens. That is the real triumph of this film, getting all these people together, some for just seconds, and showing that they are really funny. The homecoming scene, featuring a dose of past and present SNL cast members was a riot.

As a director, Rock employs some fancier than expected storytelling techniques to get this much heart in such short a time frame. Such a fantastic and delightful ending that leaves you in the driver's seat to power home the character's arc while avoiding having to show the obvious rom-com style run back. But seriously, bring back the goatee, Mr. Rock, I can't abide that gross lip garden.

Bottom Line: In the style of Rock's friend Louis C.K., he manages to construct an engaging and occasionally riotous product that doesn't disappoint. It's not transcendent but it is worthwhile.

8 out of 10

22 Jump Street (2014)

Written and Directed by Phil Lord and Chris Miller (Lego Movie)

Also written by Michael Bacall (Scott Pilgrim vs. The World)

Starring:

Channing Tatum (This is the End)

Jonah Hill (This is the End)

Ice Cube (21 Jump Street)

Amber Stevens (New Girl)

Wyatt Russell (Kurt Russell?)

Jillian Bell (Workaholics)

Dave Franco (Fright Night)

Rob Riggle (21 Jump Street)
Lucus Twins (Tonight Show Stand up set)
Nick Offerman (Parks and Recreation)
Craig Roberts (Submarine)
Peter Stormare (Constantine)

It took a while to finally watch the whole film and so it sat patiently high on the watchlist for almost a year. But the bridge has finally been crossed and boy howdy was it a raunchy bridge. The level of self awareness approached Spaceballsian levels yet somehow avoided being an all out parody. Much like in the first film, Miller and Lord continued to build on these lovable morons and set them loose in this pre-established world. Lest we forget, this is still the same universe but with a vastly different tone than the show.

Impressive and bold stunt work that, when paired with the highly creative humor, earns the right be called an action comedy nearly equal to Hot Fuzz.

Boundless flowing idiocy from every character and every scene that requires thought and plays to niche interests. So many jokes that its a struggle to recall all of them. This is a movie to own because it will make you funnier as a person.  Also the end credits sequence is an all time great so you'll be wanting to pause it about 43 times.

The cast not only performs well, but the casting choices are themselves meta-jokes that take even more thinking to get. There have never been, and may never be again, this many Ice Cube jokes in one film. And if that jock football player looks familiar, it's because he's a young Kurt Russell. I'm not buying the whole offspring thing. He's a clone.

The story has just the right amount of predictability. It keeps everything fresh even while you know full well that the outcome will be that these two goofballs will win. That's not the point.

And there is a bit of retreading here as well. The first film already had the odd couple dynamic play out and while that may be the hardest thing to sit through again, the destination, and knowing that when they come back together the hilarity will be unmatched is what we all wait for. Is it worth it? Absolutely. Coupled with the abusive use of a higher budget, the turbo-stupidity will make it all worth it.

Bottom Line. The praise is high and the film deserves it. Lord and Miller are on a roll. With so few films left in the year, this is a lock for top ten of the year.

10 out of 10 chickens