Imad Siddiqui Presents: The First Annual SQUID Film Rankings

Welcome to the inaugural SQUID (Siddiqui Quality Unquestionably Imad's Decision) Rankings. One individual recognizing excellence in cinema while remaining slightly noncommittal and intensely superficial. The SQUID award is inspired by the quite gross, Humboldt Squid.  The statuette is pure platic and three inches tall, spray-painted neon green and bedazzled with unpolished diamonds to represent the filthy nature of humanity's creative spirit. A representative of the top film is allegedly given the award in an imaginary, untelevised ceremony.

The 2014 calender produced a most expansive selection of films ranging across all genres, from biopics to scifi, from action-comedy to scifi-action-comedy (or Scifactiedy). That may not distinguish a single year from any other, but what was special about 2014 was the alarmingly consistent, impressively high level of movies that it birthed onto our screens. Films of the highest caliber debuted in a year of instant classics and exhilarating thrills. A year that saw a return to originality and a welcomed trend towards strong-willed and well-rounded female characters. A year that has been an absolute pleasure to have sat back and watched.

We begin with a simple ranking, accompanied in parentheses by the respective MVPs of the films. Be advised, this is a list composed out of films seen by me, a humble watcher of movies. I am not a licensed critic (that's a thing right?) or part of any association. Under consideration are films released in the past 12 months, obviously. Reading it means you have read it. If you tell me your filthy opinion of this list in person in the comments below, I will reward you with chocolate.* Also, no, Keanu Reeves did not pay me.

26. Bad Words (The Scream)
Rottantomatoes Score: 65% IMDb: 6.7

25. Godzilla (Bryan Cranston)
Rt: 74% IMDb: 6.6

24. Noah ()
Rt: 77% IMDB: 5.9 

23. The Guest (Dan Stevens)
Rt: 90% IMDB: 6.7

22. How to Train Your Dragon 2 (Final Battle)
Rt: 92% IMDB: 8.0

21. The Skeleton Twins (lip sync duet)
Rt: 87% IMDB: 7.0

20. Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (Tank takeover)
Rt: 90% IMDB: 7.8

19. X-Men Days of Future Past (Quicksilver)
Rt: 91% IMDB: 8.1

18. Calvary (Two Gleesons)

Rt: 89% IMDb: 7.5
17. The Raid 2 (Final 3 fights)
Rt: 79% IMDB: 8.1

16. The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies (Wizards and Elves vs. Shadows of The Nine)
Rt: 60% IMDb: 7.9

15. Birdman (The beautiful drumming)
Rt: 92% IMDb: 8.7

14. Into the Woods (Agony)
Rt: 72% IMDb: 7.2

13. Gone Girl (NPH's house)
Rt: 88% IMDb: 8.2

12. A Walk Among the Tombstones (Dan Stevens)
Rt: 68% IMDb: 6.6

11. Captain America: The Winter Soldier (Knives)
Rt: 89%  IMDb: 7.8

10. Guardians of the Galaxy (Awesome Mix Vol. 1)
Rt: 90% IMDb: 8.3

9. Snowpiercer (Grey)
Rt: 95% IMDb: 7

8. Begin Again (James Cordon)
Rt: 83% IMDb: 7.5

7. 22 Jump Street (The End Credits)
Rt: 84% IMDb: 7.2

6. The Grand Budapest Hotel (The Symmetry)
Rt: 92% IMDb: 8.2

5. Live, Die, Repeat: The Edge of Tomorrow (The Full Metal B****)
Rt: 90% IMDb: 8

4. The Lego Movie (Everything is Awesome)
Rt: 96% IMDb: 7.9

3. The Imitation Game (Benedict Cumberbatch, Mark Strong, and Keira Knightley)
Rt: 89% IMDb: 8.3

2. Interstellar (TARS)
Rt: 72% IMDb: 8.9

1. John Wick ("Oh")
Rt: 85% IMDb: 7.7

And now a smattering of specific recognitions.

Performances of Note

-Lead 

Benedict Cumberbatch - The Imitation Game
Jake Gyllenhaal - Nightcrawler
Michael Keaton - Birdman

Rosamund Pike - Gone Girl

Keira Knightley - Begin Again

Brandan Gleeson - Calvary

Andy Serkis - Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

-Supporting
Keira Knightley - The Imitation Game
James Cordon - Into the Woods
Jillian Bell - 22 Jump Street
Karen Gillian - Guardians of the Galaxy
Jason Clarke - Dawn of the Planet of the Apes
Toby Kebbell - Dawn of the Planet of the Apes
Dan Stevens - A Walk Among the Tombstones

Golden Humboldt for Excellence in Ruthlessness 

John Wick. (Hero) John Wick

Lord Business (Villain) Lego Movie

Golden Humboldt for Direction 
Phil Lord and Chris Miller
for The Lego Movie and 22 Jump Street

Best Use of Overhead Shot
Gone Girl - That one scene. 

Crimson Humboldt for Best Kill
The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies - Thranduil beheading six orcs. 

The Humboldt for Outstanding Overuse of Slow Motion
X-Men: Days of Future Past - Quicksilver in the Kitchen


Tracking Shots of the Year
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes - (Rotating Tank) 
All of Birdman. 

Vertigo Shot of the Year
Need for Speed - (Aaron Paul zoning in) 

Headless Humboldt for Most Violent Film
The Raid 2

The End. Thank you for reading and, hopefully uniformly agreeing with everything you just read.

In the coming days the awards for Actor and Actress of the Year will be presented to the actor and actress who are in multiple roles while also bringing to life exceptional characters throughout the year. To artificially manufacture a sense of prestige, here is recap of the previous years' unannounced honorees:

SQUID Actor of the Year Winners
2013 winner - Benedict Cumberbatch 
12 Years A Slave, Star Trek into Darkness, The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, August: Osage County, The Fifth Estate, The Simpsons

2012 winner - Joseph Gordon Levitt
Premium Rush, Looper, Lincoln, The Dark Knight Rises

2011 winner - Michael Fassbender 
Jane Eyre, X-Men: First Class, Shame, Haywire, A Dangerous Method

SQUID Actress of the Year
2013 winner - Amy Adams
American Hustle, Man of Steel, Her

2012 winner -  Anne Hathaway and Jennifer Lawrence
Hathaway - Les Miserable and The Dark Night Rises
Lawrence - Silver Linings Playbook and The Hunger Games

2011 winner - Emily Blunt
Your Sister's Sister, Salmon Fishing in the Yemen, The Adjustment Bureau, Gnomeo and Juliet, The Muppets


*Chocolate must be demanded in person. 

The Dawn of Jason Clarke

Anyone who was lucky enough to watch The Chicago Code's lone season on FOX was witness to the powerful and absorbing debut of Jason Clarke in America. 

Early trailers for the show had him tough guying around, but his no name face labeled him to me as the "guy who looks like a serious Matthew Perry." So much so I thought for at least two days that Perry was going dramatic. 

It wasn't the premise of the show that drew me in. I couldn't care less about Chicago cops, (know that because I did, Chicago PD would have some kind of appeal) and in fact, I find procedurals to be a dreary affair. It also wasn't the stars. Clarke was unheard of. I'm not a lesbian nor was I nearing my 40s so Jennifer Beals hadn't the slightest draw. 

No, the real pull came from a writer. Firefly and Wonderfalls' Tim Minear. When your name features on Firefly, you get a second look. 

(Following this show, there seems to be a trend where unheralded Fox shows are more likely to be hidden gems than shows on other networks.)

Anyway, the show was killer. The full run favored serialized plot over procedural, it was stylized, brutally realistic and filled with quirky characters and a gripping plot. It had some negatives (needless romantic plot twists and an unbearable actor here and there) but they were nothing compared with the positives. You can't overlook a show that kills characters with no mercy in way Game Of Thrones would go on to popularize. And that Billy Corrigan theme song was perfectly moody and intense. 

Back to Clarke. His Jarek Wysocki stole the show from the get go. Tough, cocky, and abrasive yet on the path of justice to clean up his city. It was astonishing and the show, while canceled after a phenomenal season due to lack of audience, spawned someone who is now on the cusp of stardom. 

While he has been finding steady roles since Code, his stand out supporting roles pump energy into ensembles that have benefitted a few key films. 

He roared at terrorists alongside Jessica Chastain in the acclaimed Zero Dark Thirty. 

He popped up in Lawless (as the non Shia Labeouf, non Tom Hardy Bondurant brother) and The Great Gatsby as an angry husband.  

My personal favorite is a film that isn't so fondly perceived. I have a bit of a soft spot for ruthlessness and his turn as the villainous Stenz in the laughably plotted White House Down carried that movie into being rather captivating (while he was on screen at any rate).  

All that brings us to now. Clarke, a stealthy Australian native who masterfully hides his accent, is the human anchor in Dawn of The Planet of The Apes. A seemingly out of nowhere choice if you're not familiar with his trajectory. 

Sure Andy Serkis deserves all the praise for this film but that's a different issue What audiences want is a human lead and Clarke takes over for an über celeb in James Franco. 

While Dawn features capable and powerful turns by Gary Oldman, Keri Russell, Kirk Acevado, and every mo-capped Ape (hot damn if Toby Kebbell isn't the next Jason Clarke), this film was about Caesar and Malcolm. Serkis and Clarke. A no name duo that everyone should know the names of. 

(Serkis and Kebbell, as I'm doing with Clarke, deserve their own breakdown of praise and prediction.)

Clarke is next portaying another more high profiled saivor of humanity, John Connor, in the upcoming rebootish Terminator film. 

Even if regular moviegoers fail to recognize him, at least Hollywood has given him their much deserved trust.